the middle ground

I can't believe that my life as an undergraduate is now coming to an end. When next week's exhibition takes place, I am free of uni (or RMIT for that matter) for good. I am relieved.

Never in my mind would I expect to screw up my visual presentation that badly. Of all times, why oh why the last semester? I should've known to trust my gut feelings and not dismiss them away as silly nerve jitters. When you feel that something isn't quite right, you can be sure that others will think of it that way too. 4 years into design, and having a background in art, I could very much do better than that. I've grown in some ways, more so in theoretical areas, but somehow, when I look back, there are areas that I've not learnt to do properly yet, even within this length of time. Do I grasp words much more easily than visual material, when others find it an agonising act? Somewhere in me, there is a girl with an individual style yearning to let loose. I have yet to find an area, that grey area that is my comfort zone, where my conceptual thinking and craftsmanship meets. Do I even understand myself at all?

As of now, I wondered why it was fashion and not all these other things that i love that seemed oblivious to me at the tender age of 10. I don't even remember why I was drawing clothes constantly. I think I did it because I like it. From being a force of motivation, it has now changed. I am realistic as I am idealistic of what fashion entails. On the eve of graduation, can I see myself working within fashion as a designer? Do I even want to be a designer at all? Where is the middle ground between an artist, a designer and a hobbyist? As I progressed through the course, I find myself less of a designer each semester to this point where I feel discouraged. However, I would like to have a career in design just to prove myself wrong.

Yet again, it goes back to finding a space, an identity that I can associate myself with. Ironically, the project has got me to identify key aspects of my personality. Never in my mind have I thought that they were the answers that I've been looking for in my Melbourne quest for identity. A full circle, Peter says, revealed just when I finish the course, and my impending journey home.

Answers doesn't always come in a straightforward package for an obscure concept. It is about time that I embrace the merits of being an unusual thinker.